The Golden Years: The Caretaker
By: For-Chan
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
Warnings: OMG! I wrote about old people! Old people having sex lives! Run for you life! No sex is actually involved in this story. Just some molesting of geriatrics.
Notes: This fic is based on a RP. All you really need to know is that Severus, Remus, and Sirius are together and that Sirius lost an eye in the war. Everything else is explained really. And be warned, this is quite humorous crack.


Severus Snape had never really believed that he'd live to be older than Albus Dumbledore. But somehow, it had happened. His 200th birthday was right around the corner. He was actively fighting with Harry about holding a combined birthday party for himself, Remus, and Sirius. He'd never been one to enjoy parties in the past and when he was inching up to the two century mark, he was even less inclined. Besides, he'd already given into the man concerning an in-home caretaker after he'd fallen down the dungeon stairs and broken his hip. Now he, Remus, and Sirius were in the questionable care of one Darren Graham.

The young man had come with spotless credentials and had appeared for his interview promptly and well dressed. He'd answered questions with ease and good humor. Severus had instantly disliked him. There was something about the man's bright blue eyes that made him uneasy. But he'd been overruled and Darren had been hired. He now inhabited the spare bedroom downstairs. He stayed out of the way, stepping forward to offer a hand when needed, but Severus was always loathe to accept his help. He didn't like it when the young man bounded up the stairs, put an arm around his waist and helped him down the stairs like a fragile old granny. More than being treated like an invalid, he simply hated being touched by someone other than his lovers.

The first night of Darren's inhabitance in their house, they'd made the mistake of not fully closing their bedroom door. In the midst of their nightly intimacies, Severus had glanced up to find Darren watching them. Nothing was ever said about the incident, but he always made sure the door was closed and locked at night. Sirius and Remus teased him about his paranoia, but Severus maintained that he was simply old, not senile. While his vision wasn't quite what it used to be, he knew what he'd seen and he made it a point to avoid their helper when possible.

Severus took off his bifocals and rubbed his tired eyes. These days he spent less and less time in his basement potions lab and more time in his warmer upstairs office reading correspondence. At almost two hundred years old, he was the oldest and most well informed Potion Master of the Wizarding World. He was constantly being consulted on all manner of things. He had an assistant to sort through his letters and forward him only the most important or interesting ones. He actually enjoyed conversing about potions with people who knew the profession well as opposed to his distant hated years as a professor at Hogwarts. He even gave the occasional lecture at conferences and universities. In some ways, these were the fabled golden years.

In other ways, he felt that the golden years were poppycock. He was old and crankier than he'd ever been before. His body ached from arthritis and still lingering effects from Voldemort's torture over a century ago. Temperature affected him more and the cold would settle deep into his bones, making it hard to move. His beloved, but chilly, potions lab was harder to tolerate for long. His eyes gave him trouble and he ended up with bifocals, needing help to see both near and far. His hair slowly turned gray and brittle. His skin grew wrinkled and his nose looked more beakish than ever. Luckily, his teeth, yellowed though they were, stayed in his mouth and he didn't have to deal with anything as torturous as muggle dentures. Still, aging was not some great reward for a long life, it was annoying.

Severus sighed as he set his glasses on his desk. He closed his eyes and settled back in his comfortable wingback chair. He needed to rest his eyes a bit before he attempted to read young Silvia Glide's proposed silver infused garlic vampire repellent. Just a few moments, he told himself before the weariness pulled him down into a light doze.

Sometime later, he woke with a start, blinking rapidly as he looked around. His neck hurt terribly from whatever ungodly position he'd fallen asleep in. Beside him, there was a familiar and unwelcome blur.

"Darren," he said, annoyed to find the man beside him. Why was he so close? He reached out for his glasses, but frowned when he didn't find them.

"I have them here Severus," Darren said softly, reaching out.

Severus jumped in surprise as Darren slid his glasses onto his face. Worse, the young man didn't move away. He smoothed Severus' hair where the arms of the glasses has disturbed it. Then his hand brushed Severus' cheek.

"What are you doing?" Severus demanded, reaching up to push his hand away.

"Your skin. It's so dry, but soft, like well loved leather," Darren said, catching Severus' hand.

"Do not presume to touch me," Severus growled, trying to reclaim his wrist. But Darren had more strength than he did and pulled Severus' wrist towards him.

"I can't resist Severus," Darren whispered, letting his lips slide over Severus' wrist.

Severus could only stare in horror as the presumptuous young man molested his arm. A shiver of horror ran down his spine as Darren's breathing sped up and his heated blue eyes looked up to meet Severus'.

"Unhand me," Severus said, glaring.

"I don't want to," Darren replied as he sucked Severus' fingertip into his mouth.

"Sev, I hope you didn't fall asleep in the chair again. What the bloody fuck is going on here?"

Severus looked up to see Sirius standing in the doorway. Before he could even respond, his lover's wand was pointed at Darren.

"Petrificus Totalus!"

Darren went rigid and Severus was quick to pull his hand away and stumble out of his chair.

"Sev! Are you all right?" Sirius demanded, quickly crossing the office. Sirius grabbed his shoulders, checking Severus over.

"I'm unharmed," Severus said, looking up to meet Sirius' concerned blue eye. "Merely shaken."

Sirius nodded and wrapped Severus in his warm arms, still as strong and comforting as ever. He began to relax in Sirius' embrace.

"Sirius? Severus? What's going on?" Remus appeared in the doorway. He looked around, confused.

Sirius turned. "That, that bottom feeding fuck was molesting Severus!" Sirius jabbed his wand in Darren's direction.

"What!" Remus quickly moved towards them. "Did he hurt you?" He touched Severus' cheek, looking him over.

"No, I'm fine."

"Oh thank Merlin." Remus hugged him.

Sirius stalked over to the desk and glared at Darren's frozen form.

Remus turned, keeping Severus close. "What should we do with him?"

"I know what I'm going to do with him," Sirius growled.

Severus shook his head. "You can't kill him. You're too old for Azkaban, it's a prison not a retirement home."

Sirius chuckled. "Don't worry Severus. I won't kill him."

"Not that I would mind if you did, I'd just rather you stay here where you belong," Severus clarified.

Sirius grinned as he walked back to Remus and Severus. "I love you too," Sirius said, giving him a light kiss.


The fireplace flared bright green as two Aurors stepped through. One of them sported Weasley red hair. Severus couldn't even remember which of the dozen Weasleys this was.

"Mr. Snape, Mr. Lupin," the young woman said, nodding at them respectfully.

"Auror Weasley," Remus said, smiling. "Thank you for coming so quickly."

She nodded. "Where is the suspect?"

"Ah, he's out back. I hope you brought that shovel," Remus said as he led the Aurors to the back door.

Outside, a large black dog with one eye and a graying muzzle sat next to a fresh pile of dirt wagging his tail. From the pile, a single hand stuck up.

"He's not dead is he?" Auror Weasley asked.

"Oh no, but he probably wishes he is about now," Remus said as the dog stood up and took a piss on the hand. The dog then bound over to the Remus and Severus. He barked happily as he wagged his tail for them.

"Good boy," Severus said, reaching out to pat the dog's head.

The End


That was entirely too much fun. I might torture these three again with more stories of them being old and crotchety. It amuses me.